This is how I substitute Reality

silentsandlight

the fact that i've gain the ability to 'pretend' that i'm happy and that i'm not hurting is enough proof for me to say that I'm Stoic. The past Month has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me ---same old broken vinyl tune of me giving my all, him in a rampagae of cheating and multiple sexcapes. i wanna say that it hurts, that everytime i think of it a piece of me dies; but i can't (or i've lost the ability to do so).

i guess its true, I got the curse of the Truth. it's just like what Sylvia Plath once said: "The Truth loves me! the truth comes to me." ---it always plays in my head when i unintentionally (which is SO more often than you think what should be coincidental) find out something that shouldnt be known. like for example, how he claimed that he was 'Raped' by two guys a year ago which turned out to be a week ago; or how he continuously deny that he never had any 'relationship' with the guy he claims he was 'raped' by (which eventually turned out that everytime he goes to my place his second stop is their place which is 5 blocks away from ours); or how we started out so happy until i found out that i was only his paramour (back-up) for the past few months until he decided to end it with him; or worst of all, how i started looking into his eyes with pure elation and innocence before and now how it fades into absolute meaning of LIES and DECEIT.

all thats left of me now is nothing more than the "Play of Knowing and how you'd use it to your advantage"

this is the state that i initially Desired for; and now I'm not quite sure if i really want it.

(See its been so long since my last post--- Lame)