silentsandlight

TELL ME SOMETHING YOU WANNA HEAR.

silentsandlight

Did i enjoy the last weeks of 2011? Yes i Did.
Was it worth doing it with all of them? Yes it was.
Do i feel contented after everything? I did for awhile.

But in the end i hafta wake up from this delusional state. Yes, i banged every single wall that i could possibly bang just to make me re-discover a realization that I've been denying myself for sometime now:

"I am everybody's Automation"

so here i am back at the start of the year with a smarter move; I will allow you to use me, but id never let you in even for a sec. So here i am with you with a confession that i am everybodys Slut. but i hell promise that i will be the BEST slut you can ever place your eyes and tongue on.

so for now digest everything starting from A to Z coz:

A1 only sees you as an alternate route on his way to his place with his BF.
A2 will never be into you other than that literal 'into you' time on an open balcony.
I is too high end for you that he'd kiss someone else infront of you even if hes out with you on a 'date'.
J is just makin you feel wanted coz he needs your next beside his bed.
K only sees you as another option in bed coz youre damn good with what you do.
Q would only kiss you the way you wnat him to when both of you are high.
V needs your voice to make him cum over the night.
Y is just there to make sure that he gets in the same work as you do.


Wake up sleeping sand and make them pay for lookin down at you!

silentsandlight

Its scary how someone can say something and exactly hold you in his/her invisible hand with just a couple of lines... something like this: 

“When I look back on my life, it’s not that I don’t want to see things exactly as they happened, it’s just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way.And, truthfully, the lie of it all is much more honest because I invented it. Clinical psychology tells us arguably that trauma is the ultimate killer. Memories are not recycled like atoms and particles in quantum physics – they can be lost forever, It’s sort of like my past is an unfinished painting, and as the artist of that painting, I must fill in all the ugly holes and make it beautiful again. Its not that I’ve been dishonest, its just that I loathe reality.”

---Lady Gaga, "Marry the Night" 

silentsandlight

i have to dig deeper on that experience. i cant sleep because im currently mixing reality with what i thought i experienced.

note to self: 

1. Talk to my elementary bestfriends on what was the game that we played with everything including imagination and doin the 'kissing game'... i think i just pulled out a lot of traumatically changing memory because of what happened today.

2. Talk to my sister and cousin and ask the same thing, coz i know in the back of their minds they experience that dream-like state/game that we used to play when we were kids. 

3. continue researching about the theory of relativity and Gregorio Brillantes' "Distance to Andromeda." I just unravelled a different angle on how to look at reality and how time is not linear at all. 

4. Dont go back to that place! it has an eerie feel of almost going mad from seeing a memory that you thought was in your past but in reality isnt ---Advance staate of auto-suggestivity and schizoprenia. 

silentsandlight

If i die today, will anyone notice that i've already left?
If i leave today, would anyone fell empty?

Black Moon, Black star. Black moon, Black star.
when will you come, my knight in shining tar?

Yes, you are a confirmation, 
that im destined for damnation. 
Im left with a resolution, that im just
meant for your automation. nothing more
than a reliever for your vacant lot waiting to be

flooded.

leave me, together with your ash infested clan.
i dont need a whiff of your intoxicating scent,
nor the touch of your fragile hands.

I (dont) need you. 
you've proved that youre just the same.

Now let me give you my disease until you become 
like me.

silentsandlight

let me count the reasons:

1. Im still jobless after being unemployed for 3mos now.

2. i dont know if i can call him my BF but he said he lov es me and it doesnt quite feel like so.

3. I wanna fall for a guy but i think he only sees me as a a mirror image of his past relationships (quasi-relationship).

4. My body weight has drastically dropped down to 110 in just a month being away from the province.

5. i woke up today crying because i had a dream about leaving with a mantric line in a loop: "ayoko na dito, gusto ko na umalis dito."

6. you bit me in my dream, not the physically painful one but the physically romantic one... which makes me all the more confused about you.

silentsandlight

To the town of wind on the other side of time
Come on, take me there
Make my dream of white flowers come true.

Take this hand with your sweet fingers
Come on, I want you to lead me
On the distant road
To your side.

That singing voice won't cease in the afternoon
Together we wake to become one
We will know the meaning of happiness for the first time
Take me with you.

That singing voice will heartrendingly and loudly
Echo in every heart
Never knowing the meaning of happiness
when they sleep at night.

The other side of our dreams are still unknown to us
Come on, together we can go
On the distant road
To the town of wind

silentsandlight

the funny thing about this blog, is that i only open it when im in a place in between sanity and demented depression. i guess this blog is solely designed to take in all the blow that i have to let out. in a way, this blog is my shock-absorber. Yes, my dear onld shock-absorber from all the ranting that i gotta let out. ranting from my dear old hurting and insecurities. 

Yes, i am hurt, i am insecure. i fell pain. im hurting from the bludgeoning that im taking from other people and yours truly. im insecure coz i know deep inside im only worth what you see me good for. I've been hearing myself lately talking to myslef and repeating either: "Kabit na naman ako" or "Im only good for talent" and the ever so classic "may kulang pa ba?". 

Yes World! Take it in! take it all in. take my ranting and my bludgeoning from this self-imposed exile and silent scream. the only thing keeping me away from a blade, the 52nd floor, or Manila Bay breakwaters is my nieces smile. 

Maybe thats what i should just focus on. maybe thats what i just need to look at to and do ---making my niece smile, making people smile. then maybe, just maybe, people (specially you) would see me for my worth and not what i can just do. 

silentsandlight

(Rediscovering this song... then perhaps you might come back.)

Arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayonara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

tomodachi demo koibito demo nai chuukan chiten de
shuukaku no hi wo yumemiteru aoi furu-tsu
ato ippo ga fumidasenai sei de
jirettai no nan notte? baby~

arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayounara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

amai dake no sasoi monku ajike no nai doku
sonna mono ni wa kyoumi wa sosorarenai
omoitoori ni ikanai toki datte
jinsei suteta mon janai tte

doushita no? to kyuu ni kikareru to “uun. nandemo nai”
sayounara no ato ni kieru egao watashi rashikunai
sinjitai to negaeba negau hodo nandaka setsunai
“aishiteru yo” yori mo “daisuki” no hou ga kimi rashii janai?
The flavor of life

wasurekakete ita hito no omoi wo totsuzen omoidasu koro
furitsumoru yuki no shirosa wo omou to sunao ni yorokobitai yo

daiyamondo yorimo yawarakakute atatakana mirai
teni shitai yo kagiri aru jikan wo kimi to sugoshitai
“arigatou” to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayounara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

ENGLISH TRANSLATION:

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn’t
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness.
The flavor of life

Stuck midpoint between friends and lovers,
like an un-riped fruit dreaming about the day of harvest
because of being unable to just move one more step forward
what’s causing this frustration baby

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn’t
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness
The flavor of life

Sweet talk and tasteless conversations.
it sparks no interest in me
even when things do not go the way you want
it doesnt mean you’ve thrown your life away

When asked ‘ whats wrong?’
I answer ‘its nothing’
The smile that disappears after goodbye
It’s unlike me

The more i wish to believe in you,
For some reason it hurts even more
‘i like you a lot’ instead of ‘i love you’ sounds more like you
the flavor of life

the period when you suddenly remember the scent of someone you had almost forgotten
I want to be able to openly and honestly cherish the white purity of the falling snow more

A future tender and warmer than a diamond
i want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, i want to spend it with you

when you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesnt
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness
The flavor of life