June 27th, 2007

parking space for gallon of tea

 

 

 

 

TELL ME SOMETHING YOU WANNA HEAR.

Posted by silentsandlight at 06:01 AM as a stickied post | 3 transmuted me

November 8th, 2008

You Tell Me

Yes you Tell me, tell me how to be real and not pretend that I'm hurting ---yes, hurting, scared, and suffering a slow death.

this is your queue to make me stop. make me stop with your touch and assurance that i'll never be just another doormat just lke to everyone else. I'm so tired of being hurt so please this is your queue to take me and never let me go.

then maybe, just maybe, this time, I'd know when, where, and how to stop.

Posted by silentsandlight at 11:35 AM | am i human now?

October 18th, 2008

Loosing its meaning (Song of the Paramour)

It now lost all form of meaning to it. Its just another empty set of words that i hear from you to make me believe that you're all mine (when it fact we both know its not and that it'll never happen).  "I Love  You's" no longer felt the same for me as before.  i think you killed it ---you and your broken vinyl tune of i-will, i-wont and i-do's.  You and your tribe supported this (the movement against words and their meaning). 

 

as for me, i'll be discovering this newly adapted form of stoicity.

(Coz in some ways, i really cant believe someone who considers me as a mere back-up)

 

JUST ANOTHER BACK-UP. another fallback. another consenting paramour.

Currently listening to: Cant Help But Wait
Posted by silentsandlight at 05:17 PM | am i human now?

October 5th, 2008

Pre-emptive Strike (Defense, Confusion Mode)

“Gil, stop hurting yourself.”

“I don’t know how to.”

 

It ended there, in an awkward and abrupt way. I knew one of these days someone would be telling me this and I’d be replying in a monotone, stoic manner. It’s always been in a loop —as if telling me that this isn’t in duress but in a willful submission. I guess I don’t love myself that much; I love everything too much except for myself. I’m your true-blue emo-masochist. I’ve been thinking to myself, is this really what I’m meant to do? Have I been destined to hop endlessly from one scene to another in search of contentment (or at the very least, understanding)?

 

I don’t know what to write anymore. I don’t know what to say. I wanna write about happy memories, but it seems to have passed into another liquid state of amnesia. I wanna write how I meet you (how the smell of Lacoste and Ice-blended coffee sticks to my memory like gummy bears in between my teeth); how I like it when your body twitch in perfect motion (as if in a dance) when you sleep, or how your innocent eyes assures me (for awhile) of certain hopes, promises and dreams; or simply how you hold my hand in public not caring what other people would say —but all seems to be a futile attempt to create a makeshift memory of me (you).

 

In the office, I’m branded as a SLUT (coz I think that’s what I’ve always been telling them). I guess I’ve always wanted to be seen as one, just to hinder people from hurting me more and more. Yes I am a slut; I have every right to be one especially when I’m hurting. I have every right to mend myself in a way that I know, in every possible way to help me cope-up. I put on this mask to help me survive, never showing a weak spot that they could target. I guess only a few people really understand (understood) me; and when they do, I just drive them off with my smile. I was once told by my officemate:

 

“You are not a slut. You’re just insisting that you are coz you know deep inside that you want something else other than just sex. You have a very big heart that when you’re hurt you don’t even want people to worry about you.”

 

I don’t know where to stand now.

Currently listening to: Teach Me by Musiq Soulchild
Posted by silentsandlight at 08:09 PM | 1 transmuted me

Im now an anime Character =)

Look, Look, Look... im now Animated. KAWAI!!! haiaiahia!

Posted by silentsandlight at 03:19 PM | am i human now?

September 5th, 2008

Just Another Phone Spring Cleaning

Its time for my Phone spring cleaning again. just gotta get rid of some messages in my phonebook that meant/means something to me at one point in time. kinda weird how you look back at messages 3-4mos old but still somehow feel the same about it but still not the same (huh? goulo ko noh).maybe you'd find me in between these lines somewhere... who knows... bit melodramatic but here they are.

 

 

"and when your gone to return to me someday, i'll let my hair grow long for you" - Roya Saraabi - "Against Gravity" by Farnoosh Moshiri

"Oh im missin you, or maybe im just misin who i was when i was iwth you" -Susie Suh "Wont you come again"

"Dont Cry beacuse its over, smile because it happened."

"I didnt say that girls are perfect coz we all know that its not true, but y be unfaithful to her if she have always been true to you?" -Tupac Shakur

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. then you grow up and learn to be cautious. you could break a bone or a heart. you look before you leap and sometimes you dont leap at all beacause there's not always someone there to catch you. and in lyf, there's no safety net." --Sex and the city

"a Person's heart beats twice in one cardiac cycle. figuratively, it beats for itself and for  another person. maybe thats why doctos claim a third beat as abnormal. it is called cardiac arrythmia. see? no space for THIRD PARTY."

"If we're all created equal, how come some people have so much luck in love thing while the rest of us -the unloved -seem doomed to roam the earth like tje undead ever searching, never resting until we find the one?" = Leslie Caroll

"If you think happiness is all about sunshine, i guess nobody has told you about dancing in the rain"

"Sometimes, its not love... sometimes, you've just becaom so attached that you've developed a need for that person. just a need, not love"

"Love endures only when the lovers love many things together and not merely each other" --Walter Lippman

"you must not compare yourself with anyone, except for the previous you."

"minsan akala mo may karapatan ka ng manghusgas sa katangahan ng ibang tao sa pag-ibig dahil akala mo alam mo na lahat. nakalimutan mo na ata na minsan o higit pa, naging tanga ka din." - Bob Ong

"Needing someone is like needing a parachute, if they aren't there at the time you really needed them, chances are... you wont be needing them again."

"One thing that i've realized in life and in love... when your feelings get strong for someone, it's always wise to stop for a while and give your heart a time to breathe... a time to use your mind, to weigh the situationbased on reason not on emotion. becuase the saddest thing that can happen is when one falls in love and the other wants nothing more than friendship. Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can be just an illusion."

"understanding is the first step of acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery." -Prof Dumbledore

"Sometimes a joke is not intended to make you laugh --it is intended to make you think." -Karl Hinrich

"Its inhuman to be so Cold" - The Prestige

just once, i wanna be the reason why hr cut his hair just bec i told him so. the reason y he eats something just bec its my fav fud., the reason why he buys a shirt just bec i have the same color, the reason why he falls asleep while holdin his phone, the reason y he loves something he used to hate cos i love it, andlastly, i wanna be the reason y he smiles and laugh. i wanna be the bec of his why's, just as he's the reason for my whole being.

men cheats bec they arent 'satisfied' with their girl., women cheats bec theyre 'unloved.'

being free again is just a feeling; freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability of choose --and commit myslef to --wht is best for me.

you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. it is the honest man you should not rust for younever know when he would be dishonest." --Jack Sparrow

would you rather know or not know? some say that what you dont know wont hurt you. but what if you know that you dont know something? wont that hurt too?

"if you dont wanna get involved, never comfort a fragile heart. love is easily mistaken for sympathy and empathy."

"ther are two reasons why people dont talk about something: either it doesnt mean anything... or it means everything."

"leaf: people always look for the best and when we finally fnd it, we take it for granted expecting to find a better one. not knowing it was the best."

when we fall seriously inlove, we always wish that the feeling would mutually grow and stay forever. but sometimes no matter how perfect a rel may seem, people just change and forget their promises of forever. -shrek '

even if you do things the right way... some would still be unsatisfied...some will not apprec8 what you say and wat you do. and there wuld always be people who let you down too. but for as long as you speak honestly from the heart... you'll be fine. this is not a perfect world. this is not a perfect life, life is almost always unfair, but life loves the persn who dares to live with it. 

sometimes, closure is the only thing a person needs once and for all... just to out the painful memory to rest.

just friends... its almosy mpossible. esp if it was onec somethind more than that. going back to friends is just a way of trying to twist and mold it into something else, something that keeps u bth holding on by string, when all you really need to do is let go. . . to be free of one another. on the other hand, to let go- to accept that u arent what the other person wants, can crush you. but once you let go, once u really say goodbye... its eventually better for you. there is no obligation, no worry and no need to still make the other person happy.

They say we're too old to play hide and seek. but if i were given a chance, id give anything just to hear someone say.. 'i found you'.

"i like dead end signs, i think they're kind. they at least have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere."

"one cannot question the existence of feelings; they are there, raw and undeniable. but one can chooser not to nurturte what is felt. yet no matter waht they say, what has been felt will always be more honest that what was chosen."
 
"you shall never assume that somebody loves you by onlu seeing and feeling their sweetness. sometimes we shall believe in the fact that some people are just sweet."
 
Deep vein thrombosis ---a disorder caused by being in a fixed  position fro a long time, one way of telling us how important moving on is."
 
misery starts when a person looks at the 10% missing and overlooks teh 90% blessings in his life."
 
eventually one of these two things will happen: either he'll realize i am worth it, or i'll realize his not.
 
"leave someone, you have that right. butthe least you can do is tell them why. beacuse whats even worse, whats even morew painful than being abandoned, is knowing that you're not even worth an explanation."
 
'' by the time you realize thtat what your brain said was right for your heart, you already have a broken heart with a mind that begins to think you are wrong."
 
i always make someone happy even if im not, but it doesnt mean that ima pretender. i only want to be positive while my own world is negative."
 
"it has never been a question of who forgets, but sometimes--- theres a definite pain on being the only one who remembers everything."
 
"isnt it noce to hear when someone asks you to stay with them? becase its never wrong to admit you need someone to be happy."
 
"always remember two things in life: dont make any decision when your angry and dont make promises when you are happy."
 
 "Its hard when you miss someone so much yet you cant do anything about it because having that space between the two of you is the only way to make both of you better people."
 
"wanna know what i want most in life> i want someone who can leave me, can live without me, acan be strong without me, but choose not to."
Currently listening to: One Step at a Time - Jordin Sparks
Posted by silentsandlight at 10:48 AM | am i human now?

August 13th, 2008

Trance away

I need my song again. i Need to dance it all away. i badly need to dance again until i get physically tired and never notice anything else. please i need my Music again.

 

Let me Dance!

Currently listening to: The Drill - The Drill (Paolo Bolognesi Remix)
Posted by silentsandlight at 01:04 PM | am i human now?

August 6th, 2008

Battlefield Cries

Saw the Pepsi Maxxx Ad along Crossing... a slight realization and a hint of doubt came to me when i read this:

 

"Love is a Battlefield, get some Scars!"

Posted by silentsandlight at 10:25 AM | 2 transmuted me

July 31st, 2008

Begging for Fireflies to live

I need help to make me stop. I need to at least have a certain closure in my life (yes, this is me when I’m hurting –nothing more than just another big blob of confusion). This morning before I hit the sack, I watch Isao Takahata's “Grave of the Fireflies.” For those who know it, I know it’s pathetic, because I cried like I’ve never cried before. Dunno, maybe it’s all the welled up emotions that I had inside me trying to escape. I wanted to tell myself to stop crying coz it’s just a movie, nevertheless an anime —but I lost control of my eyes and it took a life of its own. I cried like typhoon when Setsuko (The 5-ish lil sister of Seita), slowly dying from disease and starvation hugged her brother and said “Please don’t leave me anymore, don’t go, don’t leave me.”  This line Triggered it all. It started with a drop I was trying to stop; then it spread. It welled my right eyes, then my broken nose, my throat (lining with fiery words that cannot come out), my nicotine infested chest, then my heart which already gave up at that exact time. My body shook looking for a piece of prayer, a piece of warmth, a hug, a comforting ‘I’m here’; but all I had with me was Red (my TeddyBear) and another pack of smoke.

 

I couldn’t control it. I faced myself inward trying to find justification why I’m feeling this pain, but, just like every other time this happen; I still couldn’t find any answer. I took my phone,   created another fantasy story/scenario on top of my head, and started typing. I never got to send that message to him, instead I stored it as a draft in my(our) phone —the phone he gave me on our 2nd month. I guess I’m gonna store it until the time that I have the guts to send it to him, or until the time that I return the phone (together with everything that reminds me of him) to him. I wrote in a shivering manner these words, as my fingers slowly lost its life and everything inside me was bleeding:

 

“By the time you read this, I may be somewhere trying to forget (in futile attempt) and you happy with him. I know that you’ve given up; it shows in everything you do. I also know that you can no longer love me like before as you have your own. But I also know for a factthat you are my LAST and that I love you sooo much that it fuckin’ hurts every second that I’m not with you (and you with him)… that we’re no longer (and can’t be) togther. I know its hopeless, I gotta find ways of dealing with that. I guess this is my last attempt to be with you… last attempt to win you back. Pathetic as it may sound, you are my life. Thank you for everything; for loving me at the time when I needed someone to love me. Thank you for showing me that u cared. Please don’t forget me. If there’s still love that you feel towards me, I’ll take it and leave everything behind just to be with you again. I love you with all my heart, body and soul _______(his name)_______! Iloveu… iloveu. Guess this is really goodbye… God I love you so much!”

 

I fell asleep crying, I woke up two hours later from another chest-thumping. I started staring at Hikari (my PC) again, I wanted to write him (and him) and email. I wanted to at least try for the last time. I saw him with that guy in the bed at his clinic where we used to share out our soul. He was with him smiling, being wacky, hurting every inch of me. I could only stare at it, trying to fool myself that this is only an illusion —but reality has always been strong. I wanted to write him and the guy that ‘I’m hurting’ and ‘I don’t know how to make it stop’ or something like ‘please come back to me’ or ‘please give him back to me’… but I can’t —my finger hurts every time I try to.

 

Now I’m here and I still don’t know what to do. My finger is acting wildly today as if trying to say that this is where I’m meant to be, infront of Hikari trying to forget and vent it out.

 

PLEASE, Could anyone save me? I’m hurting at places I never knew could even feel. To top it, I’m smiling and I don’t know how to be honest with myself again.

 

 

 

Currently listening to: PS (im still not over you) - Rihanna
Currently reading: Collected Poems - Sylvia Plath
Currently watching: Isao Takahata's Grave of the Fireflies
Posted by silentsandlight at 09:19 AM | 3 transmuted me
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