This is how I substitute Reality

silentsandlight

TELL ME SOMETHING YOU WANNA HEAR.

silentsandlight

i'll forever remember you with this song. i'm sorry, i cant help but send you a note, just wanted you to know that I LOVE YOU, but we have to sometime know where things stop. i'm crying as im typing this (just like the time i played this song as you were crying on my shoulder), can't help but miss you. im sorry, im really sorry that we never worked out, guess we never really got to know what the real meaning of our relationship was for you and me.

i want you to know that i cried everytime i saw you for the past week... i cried when i saw you sitting right beside him in that bar. i cried when you suddenly showed up with your friend. i cried when i saw his name on your list ---But im gonna be fine, i just need time to move on and not see you.

thank you for everything. thank you for dancing with me (me stepping on your feet). thank you for running after that scumbag (me diving on pavement, scarred). Thank you for rushing me to the hospital (me aching badly and you sleeping on the sofa). thank you for carrying me across the bay on your back (me not wanting to get my feet wet). thank you for showing me that im special (you making it a point everyday that you love me). thank you for keeping letting me stay in your heart (eventhough most of the time im just that stupid kid jumpin inside that heart making you feel hurted and sad). thank you for always coming to my place to check on me (you and me, with Reddy and Reddy Ursa). Thank you for spending that whole year with me (now exactly 1year, 23days, 5hours, 21mins since i first saw you). But most of all, Thank you for Loving me, Making me Strong, and Believing in me...

I know its the end. i know that it hurts so much but its best for us.

"go your way, and ill go mine
live your life, and i'd live mine
baby you'd do well, and i'd be fine
coz we're better of Seperated"

I LOVE YOU, ________________________. Goodbye.

silentsandlight

If you only know where i am right now. if you only know.

silentsandlight

that i still trust you and that i'm not hurting.

maybe that way, I'd learn how to control my shaking.

silentsandlight

I have to write this down, in hopes of some kind of inner release. i have to write this down to escape that person sleeping on my bed now and to run away from that seeemingly indifferent air of the room. i have to write this down coz i no longer know the difference between truth and lie, honesty and deception ---you and me.

I no longer know how to trust you ---even if your doin nothing wrong. i cant convince myself that you're all mine, that every minute that you're away is a truthful minute of nothing but me and loyalty. it tears me up, knowing that I'm not safe with my thoughts and your 'semi-assurance' of a 'seemingly forever love affair'. lying next to you feels like a head trauma. i cant hear myself, i cant feel you, i can no longer see the same old you i fell inlove with (and worst, i cant hold on you without thinking that your here coz you simply 'got used to Us ---no more love, just a habit of shore).

i cant even trust you when you're around MY friends, everything seems to be a blur of you hitting on them or vice versa ---at least thats how it works for me and my brain. I cant really feel you, i can no longer feel myself. i want my old self back, i want the old you i fell inlove with. i want the old you. =(

I really love you, but as the song goes: "You can't play on broken strings".
i cant convince myself, so after this, after you wake up, i'm going to do what's necessary.

silentsandlight

This used to be a comment i posted in his cyber page. now every single word in this small phrase meant nothing now:

"He brings out the kid in me" ---this is the line that has been clinging over my head for the past few days. its like another 'feel-good mantra' or 'calm-me-down wussa' spun like a broken vinyl; left to remind me that there's still innocence and honesty in this world. yes, you remind me of chiklhood (of naivete, innocence, honesty and everything care-free in between). you remind me of trust, and of fidelity ---something I've lost hope on a long time ago. you remind me all of this when i look into your eyes. your eyes mixed with longing, happy smiles, and pure honesty ---those eyes i fell inlove with. i love it when i look in your eyes. it calms me and at the same time it makes me feel small. it calms me coz i know that i've found a person worth looking straight in the eyes and say that 'your pure' but at the same time makes me fee small coz i know that i used to have those eyes (i used to, not anymore). Thank you for always making me feel special. =) You're the last person i'd ever wanna hurt (seriously). this past few days has been an epiphany in a form of you. you just dont know how thankful i am that i met you. i may not express it all the time (i've recently found it hard to express my true feelings freely) but you're very special, and you deserve to be treated as one. thank you Guilly Boy, I Love You. ---AISHITERU AIJI. (dated: 10/27/2008)

and his reply to me feels empty now (just another empty set of words):

celebi..... gilboy ko pala.... hehe... nkow di ako magsasawa na makasama ka...khit pareho pa taung bad breathe evrytime na gumigcing tau....kiss pa din kita.... lalong di ako magsasawang lagyan ng notes yang mga gamit mo para alam kong mauus lagi ang asawa ko.... paxencia na...tinagalog ko na lang kc bka pag ininglish ko...bka mawrong grammar pa ako tapos icorrect mo pa ako...hehe...peace...nipapatawa ka lang ni guillyboy... sana di ka sakin magsawa magpaxencia khit madalas me nagtatantraums...korek ba spelling ko???hehe...sana di ka magsawa khit unti-unti na akong tumataba...kahit minsan lier ako...sori...sana di ka magsawa khit dumdami na pimples ko.... andito lang ako lagi sa tabi mo kasama ni reddy and reddy ursa... MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA!!!!!!=P (dated: 12/24/2008 06:29 PM)

its sad that everything started from nothign and ended in nothing.

silentsandlight

the fact that i've gain the ability to 'pretend' that i'm happy and that i'm not hurting is enough proof for me to say that I'm Stoic. The past Month has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me ---same old broken vinyl tune of me giving my all, him in a rampagae of cheating and multiple sexcapes. i wanna say that it hurts, that everytime i think of it a piece of me dies; but i can't (or i've lost the ability to do so).

i guess its true, I got the curse of the Truth. it's just like what Sylvia Plath once said: "The Truth loves me! the truth comes to me." ---it always plays in my head when i unintentionally (which is SO more often than you think what should be coincidental) find out something that shouldnt be known. like for example, how he claimed that he was 'Raped' by two guys a year ago which turned out to be a week ago; or how he continuously deny that he never had any 'relationship' with the guy he claims he was 'raped' by (which eventually turned out that everytime he goes to my place his second stop is their place which is 5 blocks away from ours); or how we started out so happy until i found out that i was only his paramour (back-up) for the past few months until he decided to end it with him; or worst of all, how i started looking into his eyes with pure elation and innocence before and now how it fades into absolute meaning of LIES and DECEIT.

all thats left of me now is nothing more than the "Play of Knowing and how you'd use it to your advantage"

this is the state that i initially Desired for; and now I'm not quite sure if i really want it.

(See its been so long since my last post--- Lame)

silentsandlight

Yes you Tell me, tell me how to be real and not pretend that I'm hurting ---yes, hurting, scared, and suffering a slow death.

this is your queue to make me stop. make me stop with your touch and assurance that i'll never be just another doormat just lke to everyone else. I'm so tired of being hurt so please this is your queue to take me and never let me go.

then maybe, just maybe, this time, I'd know when, where, and how to stop.

silentsandlight

It now lost all form of meaning to it. Its just another empty set of words that i hear from you to make me believe that you're all mine (when it fact we both know its not and that it'll never happen).  "I Love  You's" no longer felt the same for me as before.  i think you killed it ---you and your broken vinyl tune of i-will, i-wont and i-do's.  You and your tribe supported this (the movement against words and their meaning). 

as for me, i'll be discovering this newly adapted form of stoicity.

(Coz in some ways, i really cant believe someone who considers me as a mere back-up)

JUST ANOTHER BACK-UP. another fallback. another consenting paramour.